It takes six months to get a divorce finalized in California. It took me three months to shake out of a loveless relation with Verizon.
Cracks in our relationship started showing up late last year, when my RAZR decided to take a break from this world. A phone plan without a phone, how pointless is that?
And as much as I tried to rise above, it wasn’t easy ignoring the flirtatiously sexy iPhone winking at me from just about anywhere.
So I had a talk with Verizon about the future of our relationship. I just didn’t see this one going anywhere.
Verizon though it was a fair deal to push a 2-year contract on me in exchange for a 1-year phone. I didn’t feel the same way. It left me with two options, pay early termination fee or buy new phone at retail. It was clear I’m trapped in a relationship that doesn’t benefit either of us.
In retrospect, I think Verizon also wanted an out, that was just its passive aggressive way of pushing me to make the move.
I didn’t. See, in real life, things are never that simple. There were good times in our relationship, I’ll admit that, it definitely started out great. And out of that relationship came a wonderful and talented broadband data card, which I cared for on the same 2-year contract. I wasn’t willing to give custody of that, not without reviewing my options first.
So I asked around. I heard horrible stories about Sprint and how nasty it is to friends and family. AT&T was still dreaming of a rosy 3G future. By this point I already developed an acute fear of commitment that I wasn’t willing to give either relationship a try.
Meanwhile life happened and I got busy with other things, getting by with a slightly dinged but mostly functional RAZR given to me cheap by my friend eBay. It’s only after New Year’s that I decided it’s time to start seeing other carriers.
Then I met Millenicom. It offered all the broadband access I wanted, in a sexy package, didn’t ask for much in return, and was very clearly not interested in any long term commitment. Fun times, and we’re still seeing each other and happy with that arrangement.
After a couple of weeks dating Millenicom, mostly meeting in coffee shops around town, I was ready to move on. Then next I brought home a new iPhone.
That’s when Verizon turned into the crazy ex that just wouldn’t let go.
I didn’t know back them, but a few weeks later I got that post-seperation nasty letter we all dread. Verizon wanted $208 to compensate for the falling apart of our relationship. For those not up to term, that’s $175 early termination fee, once you add fees, charges, taxes and other unexplainable costs.
No way I was going to pay for that. There was less than a month left on our 2-year relationship, and even for a full month I wasn’t spending more than $70 on Verizon. Crazy talk.
So I called Verizon and told it to take its bitter vengeful self to therapy. As you can imagine that didn’t go down too well. After going back & forth through the terms of our relationships, I decided it’s time to compromise. I offered Verizon $70 outright and we’ll each walk our separate ways. Verizon said no.
Turns out, Verizon was all hung up on getting some closure. After an eternity of a dreadful discussion, Verizon agreed to withdraw its demands, if only I agree to go back and date Verizon for four more weeks. I felt bad for Verizon, and really all I had to do was re-activate the phone and never use it, and so I said yes.
Truth is I felt a bit violated, so I quickly packed the phone in the box it came in, and stuffed it deep in the bowls of the big gray box where I store all my once loved but now discarded gizmos. That, I thought, was the end of it.
A month passed and Verizon sent the very same letter with the very same silly demand. I thought we resolved our differences, turns out I was wrong. Verizon found out I was in bed with AT&T, and so never re-activated my account.
So back to square one and the same lengthy discussion about the nature of our relationship, and me offering the same compromise, and Verizon turning me down, and insisting we date four more weeks, but this time under no uncertain terms, I must not be seeing AT&T. Verizon will only re-activate my number if I port it back from AT&T.
Yeah, right.
This talk took even longer than the first one, and eventually we made a break through. Verizon would date me on a different phone number. They would even let me choose which number I get! And so, for one month I had a contract for a phone I powered down not a second after activation.
I guess it’s time for another “talk”. I called Verizon and said, “this time it’s over!” Verizon wanted to know why we’re breaking up, I explained we only hooked up again so we can make a clean break, and this is it. There was silence on the other side, I was told “we’re looking through my records”, but I suspect Verizon was crying on the inside.
I guess it’s over now, because Verizon agreed to dismiss the early termination fee, the activation fee I never agreed to, and the second month charge was just an “in advance”.
Here’s the thing. If Verizon wasn’t this need, neurotic self who takes and takes and never gives back, we could have parted on good terms. Who knows, I might even hook it up with one of my friends.
If it wasn’t greedy and vindictive and took my offer, it would have made a quick $70 parting away gift. Instead, it wasted hours of our time on talks the led nowhere, and since it let me reactivate the account I chose the cheapest plan ever, leaving Verizon with $33 that won’t cover the time wasted searching for closure.
Not to mention the sour taste left in my mouth. Needless to say, we won’t be staying “just friends”.